CAKE OR BED
A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A
FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,
HONEY,
COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?
IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.
HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,
FIX THE LIGHTS NOW?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
YORKSHIRE ELECTRIC WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO.
FINE,
THEN THE WIFE ASKS,
WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT
TO WHICH HE REPLIED,
FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE CURRY'S FRIDGE REPAIR
WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO
FINE, SHE SAYS
THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS
TO THE FRONT DOOR?
THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK
I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T
WANT TO FIX STEPS
HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
B N' Q WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO
I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU.
I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!!
SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A
COUPLE OF HOURS............................
HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW
HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES
TO GO HOME
AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES
THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.
AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE , HE SEES THE
HALL LIGHT IS WORKING
AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES
THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.
HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?
SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT
OUTSIDE AND CRIED.
JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME
WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.
HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND
ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER
GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.
HE SAID,
SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?
SHE REPLIED,
HELLOOOOO..
DO YOU SEE SARA LEE WRITTEN
ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO!
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Saturday, March 29, 2008
Short jokes
Dad: Son, what do you want for your birthday?
Son: Just a radio, dad, with a sports car around it.
The girl asked her lover, "Darling, if we get engaged will you
give me a ring?"
"Sure, " replied her lover "What's your phone number?"
Young Man: Would you like to dance with me?
Young Woman: Do you expect me to dance with a baby!
Young Man: I'm so sorry. I didn't know you were pregnant.
If a man is bald at the front, he is a thinker. If he is bald at the
back, he is sexy. If he is bald from front to back - he thinks he is
sexy.
A psychiatrist met a friend and exclaimed, "I heard you died." "But
you
see I'm alive ," smiled the friend. "Impossible," said the
psychiatrist.
"The man who told me is much more reliable than you."
A man went to an eye specialist to get his eyes tested and asked,
"Doctor, will I be able to read after wearing glasses?" "Yes, of
course,"
said the doctor, "why not!"
"Oh! How nice it would be ," said the patient with joy, "I have been
illiterate for so long."
"I have a bad headache. I'll visit the doctor."
"Nonsense, yesterday I had a headache, I dashed home, gave a
big kiss to my wife and the pain disappeared. Why don't you try it?"
"Good idea, call up your wife and tell her I'll be right over."
Court scene:
1st Lawyer: You're a fool
2nd Lawyer: And you're a damn fool.
Judge : As the learned lawyers have now identified each other, can we
now
proceed with the case.
The boss came early in the morning one day and found his manager
kissing
his secretary. He shouted at him, "Is this what I pay you for?"
The manager replied: "No, sir, this I do free of charge."
A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next
door
and said, "Do you see that couple? How devoted they are?
He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?"
"I would love to," replied the husband, "but I don't know her well
enough."
A priest, seeing a blank signboard hanging on a lamppost wrote upon it:
"I pray for all."
A Solicitor wrote underneath: "I plead for all."
A doctor added: "I prescribe for all."
A simple citizen wrote: "I pay for all."
Wife : you delivered an excellent speech.
Hubby : Thanks dear, but the audience was full of fools & idiots.
Wife : Is that why you addressed them as your brothers & sisters?
After a dinner speech, the speaker scolded his secretary:
"Why did you write such a long speech for me? You saw how those
people were feeling bored!" The secretary replied, "Sir, it wasn't a
lengthy speech at all; but I did make one mistake- I gave you all 3
copies of the speech."
A Rotary visitor to Japan told a joke lasting 2 minutes.
The interpreter then translated using only a few words. Everyone
laughed. Afterwards the visitor asked the interpreter how he
translated such a long joke so quickly. "Well, I didn't think
they would get the point, so I said, "Our guest has just told
a joke. Everyone please laugh."
A man with a banana stuck in his ear and a green bean stuffed up
each nostril walks into the doctor's office.
The doctor looks at him and asks what he can do for him.
"Doctor, I just haven't been feeling well lately."
"Well, I can see you are not eating right."
____________________________________________________________
Pilot: November 123 on a very short final, understand I'm cleared to
land
?
Tower: Oh, who's talking ?
Pilot: Me
Radar: Flight 1234, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees
Pilot: Roger, but we are at 35.000 feet, how much noise can we
make up here ?
Radar: Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 707 makes when it hits
a 727 ?
Radar: CRX 500, are you on a course to SUL ?
Pilot: More or less
Radar: So proceed a little bit more to SUL
Tower: N2234, are you a Cessna ?
Pilot: No, I'm a male hispanic
Pilot: ... request heading 110 to avoid"
Radar: To avoid what ?
Pilot: To avoid delay
Pilot: Radar, this is Cessna 4675
Radar: Cessna 4675, go ahead
Pilot: Radar, I dont seem to be making much progress here.
How is my groundspeed ?
Radar: Well, all depends. If you are a hang glider, you are
doing very well.
Captain: (after landing a bit rough)
Ladies and Gentlemen, it's happy hour. You just received
two
landings for the price of one.
Son: Just a radio, dad, with a sports car around it.
The girl asked her lover, "Darling, if we get engaged will you
give me a ring?"
"Sure, " replied her lover "What's your phone number?"
Young Man: Would you like to dance with me?
Young Woman: Do you expect me to dance with a baby!
Young Man: I'm so sorry. I didn't know you were pregnant.
If a man is bald at the front, he is a thinker. If he is bald at the
back, he is sexy. If he is bald from front to back - he thinks he is
sexy.
A psychiatrist met a friend and exclaimed, "I heard you died." "But
you
see I'm alive ," smiled the friend. "Impossible," said the
psychiatrist.
"The man who told me is much more reliable than you."
A man went to an eye specialist to get his eyes tested and asked,
"Doctor, will I be able to read after wearing glasses?" "Yes, of
course,"
said the doctor, "why not!"
"Oh! How nice it would be ," said the patient with joy, "I have been
illiterate for so long."
"I have a bad headache. I'll visit the doctor."
"Nonsense, yesterday I had a headache, I dashed home, gave a
big kiss to my wife and the pain disappeared. Why don't you try it?"
"Good idea, call up your wife and tell her I'll be right over."
Court scene:
1st Lawyer: You're a fool
2nd Lawyer: And you're a damn fool.
Judge : As the learned lawyers have now identified each other, can we
now
proceed with the case.
The boss came early in the morning one day and found his manager
kissing
his secretary. He shouted at him, "Is this what I pay you for?"
The manager replied: "No, sir, this I do free of charge."
A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next
door
and said, "Do you see that couple? How devoted they are?
He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?"
"I would love to," replied the husband, "but I don't know her well
enough."
A priest, seeing a blank signboard hanging on a lamppost wrote upon it:
"I pray for all."
A Solicitor wrote underneath: "I plead for all."
A doctor added: "I prescribe for all."
A simple citizen wrote: "I pay for all."
Wife : you delivered an excellent speech.
Hubby : Thanks dear, but the audience was full of fools & idiots.
Wife : Is that why you addressed them as your brothers & sisters?
After a dinner speech, the speaker scolded his secretary:
"Why did you write such a long speech for me? You saw how those
people were feeling bored!" The secretary replied, "Sir, it wasn't a
lengthy speech at all; but I did make one mistake- I gave you all 3
copies of the speech."
A Rotary visitor to Japan told a joke lasting 2 minutes.
The interpreter then translated using only a few words. Everyone
laughed. Afterwards the visitor asked the interpreter how he
translated such a long joke so quickly. "Well, I didn't think
they would get the point, so I said, "Our guest has just told
a joke. Everyone please laugh."
A man with a banana stuck in his ear and a green bean stuffed up
each nostril walks into the doctor's office.
The doctor looks at him and asks what he can do for him.
"Doctor, I just haven't been feeling well lately."
"Well, I can see you are not eating right."
____________________________________________________________
Pilot: November 123 on a very short final, understand I'm cleared to
land
?
Tower: Oh, who's talking ?
Pilot: Me
Radar: Flight 1234, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees
Pilot: Roger, but we are at 35.000 feet, how much noise can we
make up here ?
Radar: Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 707 makes when it hits
a 727 ?
Radar: CRX 500, are you on a course to SUL ?
Pilot: More or less
Radar: So proceed a little bit more to SUL
Tower: N2234, are you a Cessna ?
Pilot: No, I'm a male hispanic
Pilot: ... request heading 110 to avoid"
Radar: To avoid what ?
Pilot: To avoid delay
Pilot: Radar, this is Cessna 4675
Radar: Cessna 4675, go ahead
Pilot: Radar, I dont seem to be making much progress here.
How is my groundspeed ?
Radar: Well, all depends. If you are a hang glider, you are
doing very well.
Captain: (after landing a bit rough)
Ladies and Gentlemen, it's happy hour. You just received
two
landings for the price of one.
redneck joke
A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to
claim it and the man verifies his ticket number. The Redneck says, "I
want
my
$20 million."
The man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a
million today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19
years."
The Redneck said, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it
and I
want it."
Again, the man explain that he would only get a million that day and
the
rest during the next 19 years.
The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I want my money!
If
you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my
dollar
back!"
claim it and the man verifies his ticket number. The Redneck says, "I
want
my
$20 million."
The man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a
million today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19
years."
The Redneck said, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it
and I
want it."
Again, the man explain that he would only get a million that day and
the
rest during the next 19 years.
The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I want my money!
If
you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my
dollar
back!"
blonde joke
A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money,
she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.
She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind
a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid.
Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under
the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the
playground. Signed, A Blonde."
The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent
him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the
blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting
beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened the bag and found
the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this
to a fellow Blonde?"
she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.
She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind
a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid.
Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under
the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the
playground. Signed, A Blonde."
The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent
him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the
blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting
beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened the bag and found
the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this
to a fellow Blonde?"
Old man & very young wife.......
It was the stir of the town when an 80 year old man married a 20
year
old girl. After a year she went into the hospital to give birth.
The
nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying "This is amazing.
How do you do it at your age? He answered "You've got to keep that
old motor running." The following year she gave birth again. The
same nurse said You really are amazing. How do you do it? He again
said
"You've got to keep the old motor running." The same thing happened
the next year. The nurse said You must be quite a man." He
responded "You've got to keep that old motor running." The nurse
then said, "Well, you had better change the oil. This one's black."
year
old girl. After a year she went into the hospital to give birth.
The
nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying "This is amazing.
How do you do it at your age? He answered "You've got to keep that
old motor running." The following year she gave birth again. The
same nurse said You really are amazing. How do you do it? He again
said
"You've got to keep the old motor running." The same thing happened
the next year. The nurse said You must be quite a man." He
responded "You've got to keep that old motor running." The nurse
then said, "Well, you had better change the oil. This one's black."
balloons
1) Little Johnny
> >
> > Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom,
what
> > are those things on your chest!?" Unsure of how to reply, she
tells
> > Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the
matter
> > would be forgotten. Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he
asked
> > his father the same question. His father, always quick with the
answers,
> > says,"Why? Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we
> > can blow them up and she'll float to heaven." Johnny thinks that's
neat
> > and asks no more questions.
> >
> > A few weeks later, Johnnys' dad comes home from work a few hours
> > early.
> > Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy!
> > Mommy's dying!!"
> > His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's
dying?"
> >
> > "Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommys' balloons and she's screaming
> > "Oh God, I'm coming!"
> >
> > Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom,
what
> > are those things on your chest!?" Unsure of how to reply, she
tells
> > Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the
matter
> > would be forgotten. Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he
asked
> > his father the same question. His father, always quick with the
answers,
> > says,"Why? Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we
> > can blow them up and she'll float to heaven." Johnny thinks that's
neat
> > and asks no more questions.
> >
> > A few weeks later, Johnnys' dad comes home from work a few hours
> > early.
> > Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy!
> > Mommy's dying!!"
> > His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's
dying?"
> >
> > "Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommys' balloons and she's screaming
> > "Oh God, I'm coming!"
Friday, March 28, 2008
adam and eve
After Adam and Eve had been romping around and had a great time in
the
Garden for a couple of days, Adam was reflecting on God's wise
choice
of
providing him a mate, and he wanted to thank the Creator
personally.
"Hi God. Say, thanks a lot for the woman you made for me, even
though
I still got that pain in my side," Adam said.
"Don't mention it," God replied.
"By the way, I like how you made her so soft and warm." Adam said.
"That was so you will love her," God answered.
"And her hair is soft and silky," said Adam. "That was so you will
love her," God answers.
"And she is so small, and I feel big and strong beside her," said
Adam. "hat was so you will love her," God answers.
"Hmmm, nice ... and she is so pretty and has a soothing voice."
"That was so you will love her," God answers.
"Yes, I do love her, but God, why did you make her so dumb?"
"That was so SHE will love YOU."
the
Garden for a couple of days, Adam was reflecting on God's wise
choice
of
providing him a mate, and he wanted to thank the Creator
personally.
"Hi God. Say, thanks a lot for the woman you made for me, even
though
I still got that pain in my side," Adam said.
"Don't mention it," God replied.
"By the way, I like how you made her so soft and warm." Adam said.
"That was so you will love her," God answered.
"And her hair is soft and silky," said Adam. "That was so you will
love her," God answers.
"And she is so small, and I feel big and strong beside her," said
Adam. "hat was so you will love her," God answers.
"Hmmm, nice ... and she is so pretty and has a soothing voice."
"That was so you will love her," God answers.
"Yes, I do love her, but God, why did you make her so dumb?"
"That was so SHE will love YOU."
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