court jokes

From a little book called "Disorder in the Court." They're
> things
> > >>people actually said in court, word for word.
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>Q: What is your date of birth?
> > >>
> > >> A: July fifteenth.
> > >>
> > >> Q: What year?
> > >>
> > >> A: Every year.
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
> > >>
> > >>A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all?
> > >>
> > >>A: Yes.
> > >>
> > >>Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
> > >>
> > >>A: I forget.
> > >>
> > >>Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that
> you've
> > >>forgotten?
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>Q: How old is your son-the one living with you.
> > >>
> > >> A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
> > >>
> > >> Q: How long has he lived with you?
> > >>
> > >> A: Forty-five years.
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he
woke
> > that
> > >>morning?
> > >>
> > >>A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
> > >>
> > >>Q: And why did that upset you?
> > >>
> > >>A: My name is Susan.
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>Q: And where was the location of the accident?
> > >>
> > >>A: Approximately milepost 499.
> > >>
> > >>Q: And where is milepost 499?
> > >>
> > >>A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
> > >>
> > >> A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >> Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
> > >>
> > >> A: After the accident?
> > >>
> > >> Q: Before the accident.
> > >>
> > >> A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the
> > voodoo
> > >>or occult?
> > >>
> > >>A: We both do.
> > >>
> > >>Q: Voodoo?
> > >>
> > >>A: We do.
> > >>
> > >>Q: You do?
> > >>
> > >>A: Yes, voodoo.
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and
> blue
> > >>lights flashing?
> > >>
> > >>A: Yes.
> > >>
> > >>Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
> > >>
> > >> A: Yes, sir.
> > >>
> > >>Q: What did she say?
> > >>
> > >>A: "What disco am I at?"
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >> --------------
> > >>
> > >> [some of these you may have seen before...]
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >> Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers
> > >>journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses
> by
> > >>attorneys during trials and,in certain cases, the responses given

> by
> > insightful witnesses:
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
> sleep,
> > he
> > >>doesn't know about it until the next morning?
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
> > >>
> > >>
> > >> Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
> > >>
> > >>
> > >> Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the
war?
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>Q: Did he kill you?
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >> Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the
collision?
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >> Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
> > >>
> > >> A: Yes.
> > >>
> > >>Q: And what were you doing at that time?
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >> Q: She had three children, right?
> > >>
> > >> A: Yes.
> > >>
> > >> Q: How many were boys?
> > >>
> > >> A: None.
> > >>
> > >> Q: Were there any girls?
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >> Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
> > >>
> > >> A: Yes.
> > >>
> > >> Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >> Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon,
didn't
> > you?
> > >>
> > >> A: I went to Europe, Sir.
> > >>
> > >> Q: And you took your new wife?
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >> Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
> > >>
> > >> A: By death.
> > >>
> > >> Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >> Q: Can you describe the individual?
> > >>
> > >> A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
> > >>
> > >> Q: Was this a male, or a female?
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >> Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition
> > >>notice which I sent to your attorney?
> > >>
> > >>A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

> > >>
> > >> A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >> Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go

> > to?
> > >>
> > >> A: Oral.
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >> Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
> > >>
> > >> A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
> > >>
> > >> Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
> > >>
> > >> A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an

> > >>autopsy.
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >> Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for
a
> > >>pulse?
> > >>
> > >>A: No.
> > >>
> > >> Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
> > >>
> > >> A: No.
> > >>
> > >> Q: Did you check for breathing?
> > >>
> > >> A: No.
> > >>
> > >> Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
> > began
> > >>the autopsy?
> > >>
> > >> A: No.
> > >>
> > >> Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
> > >>
> > >> A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
> > >>
> > >> Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
> > >>
> > >> A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
> law
> > >>somewhere.
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >> Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
> > >>
> > >> A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.
> > >>
>

3 zaman berbeza

(A) : adalah cara percakapan semasa zaman diraja.
(B) : zaman sekarang / pertengahan
(C) : cara perbualan budak2 remaja zaman sekarang.


Ayat 1
(A) Ingin hamba sampaikan bahawa sesungguhnya memadailah dengan
hanya menepuk di bahagian anggota tanpa meninggalkan kesan.
(B) Saya ingin nasihatkan awak kalau nak pukul, jangan sampai ada bekas
(C) Wa cakap sama lu ... lu kalau mao kropok dia... lu kropok jangan kasi lebam beb.

Ayat 2
(A) Sungguh mengecewakan peradaban tuan hamba di depan majlis ini.
(B) Kurang ajar sungguh awak nie
(C) Oi Kakak kao punyer laki ahhh! Kong ajar eh? Babis punyer budak! siak kanina tul...

Ayat 3
(A) Sesungguhnya hamba! masih mengharap balasan kasih dari tuan hamba... akan
tetapi, hamba tidak ingin memaksa tuan hamba untuk membuat keputusan .
(B) Cinta aku belum lagi berbalas... berilah aku peluang kali ini untuk mengisi
ruang hati mu.
(C) Beb.... wa takmu jiwa-jiwa sama lu... tapi wa suah cintan rabak sama lu...
wa takut wa takleh tahan nanti wa terdugong .. plse ahhhhh.

Ayat 4
(A) Sayugia diingatkan bahawa sesungguhnya tarikh masuknya permulaan bulan syawal
ialah esok... dari itu hari ini merupakan hari penggenap Ramadan.
(B) Di sini diumumkan bahawa besok kita akan menyambut Hari Raya Aidilfitri
(C) Oi!!!!!! Besok dah tak payah poser! Yeaaahhooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!

Ayat 5
(A) Adalah menjadi harapan hamba sekiranya dapat hamba bersama-sama tuan sekelian
ke majlis keramaian itu kelak.
(B) Saya ingin bersama-sama anda ke majlis itu...boleh tak?
(C) Hoi penyapu! Korang tunggu aku tau... aku ! pun nak ikot.

Ayat 6
(A) Barangsiapa yg telah dgn tanpa segan dan silu melakukan sesuatu kemungkaran...
maka.. atas dirinya akan dibalas kemungkaran.
(B) Siapa yg berbuat jahat akan dihukum
(C) Sapa yg tunjok terer kat sini aku kompang sampai mati.. bedek takda..jgn memain dgn aku hah.

Ayat 7
(A) Sungguh menakjubkan kesaktian yg ada atas empunya diri
(B) Dia sungguh hebat sekali
(C) Mak kao! Pawer siol!

Ayat 8
(A) Adalah menjadi kemusykilan bagi diri hamba tentang perkara yg telah diketengahkan
(B) Apakah maksud anda?. Boleh tolong jelaskan?
(C) Oi! What cork are u talking about?... say poply ahh!

********

ayat zaman hang tuah.
sungguh besarlah hajat kami datang bertandang, andai
besar si gunung tahan, besar lagi hajat di hati kami.
sudilah kiranya kami ingin menyunting bunga yg sedang
mekar berseri di jambanga! n taman tuan hamba.
bagaimana pandangan tuan hamba?

ayat zaman p. ramlee
pakcik, saya ni datang nak meminang anak pakcik untuk
bos saya. aaa...tak payah cakap banyak pakcik, terima
jelah. pakcik senang, saya pun tak payah nak
berulang-alik 3,4 kali ke rumah pakcik. setuju?

ayat zaman skang
sebelum perut anak awak nampak membonjol, elok je la
kita satukan anak kita cepat-cepat. orang pun tak
mengata kalau naik pelamin. nanti kalau dah memboyot,
anak awak, dengan awak sekeluarga semua malu. anak
saya dah janji nak bertanggungjawab.

********

Bahasa Istana Dulu
Eh! dinda ni, kalau nak mencemar udara, biarlah kanda
tambatkan sang Dewata
kuda kesayangan hamba ini, tak manis kalau didengar
dayang istana..

Bahasa Padang Kota, Penang
Chessss .. mangggkok hayon dongga ghopla jigga punya
marka, kalau nak kentut pun biaq la aku tongkat moto
dulu, sambai petai kurang asam jawa punya budak..
chessss hang cirit ka..?!

Two weeks ago was my 35th birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday," and probably have a present for me She didn't even say "Good Morning," let alone any"Happy Birthday." I thought, "Well, that's wives for you, the children will remember. " The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent.As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said,"Good morning, boss. Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better; someone had remembered. I worked until noon. Then, Janet knocked on my door and said"You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday,let's go to lunch, just you and me."said, "By George,that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go." We went to lunch. We didn't gowhere we normally go; we went out to the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.On the way back to the office, she said, "You know,it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back tothe office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."After arriving at her apartment she said, 'Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable." "Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake,followed by my wife, children,and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday...............And there I sat...on the couch...naked ...........

Postman Pat

It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the post through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for £500. At the second house they presented him fine Cuban cigars in an 18-carat gold box. The folks at the third house handed him a case of 30-year old Scotch whisky.At the fourth house a dumb blonde in her lingerie met him at thedoor. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to thebedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the dumb blonde fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, tomatoes, ham,sausage, blueberry waffles, and freshly squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed Five Pound Note sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words,"he said, "but what's the fiver for?" "Well," said, the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Fuck him. Give him a fiver.......................the breakfast was my idea."

Pre PRU12 era joke

Samy Vellu was visiting India when he fell and broke his jaw. He was unable to speak. Being the great leader that he is, he continued his grand tour. On the last week of his visit, the RTM crew was present for his press conference. Although unable to speak, Samy insisted on sending a message home to his Cabinet colleagues. Samy caught a chicken and showed it to the camera. Next he took a goat, and showed it to the camera. Finally he took a bag and displayed it in front of the camera. Dr Ling was the first to see the video clip. He said, "Samy is telling us that India has insufficient food because he showed us a chicken and a goat, and he wants Malaysia to donate bags of rice." Mahathir watched silently then said, "No lah....what Samy is trying to say is HE IS COMING BACK. The whole cabinet was puzzled and look to the old man for an explanation. Mahathir reasoned, "AYAM KAMBING BEG." , which means.................. "I AM COMING BACK"

Rich widow....so funny!

A rich, lonely widow decided that she needed another man in her life, so she placed a personal ad that read:
RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH THE FOLLOWING QUALIFICATIONS:
1. WON'T BEAT ME UP
2. WON'T RUN AWAY
3. HAS TO BEGREAT IN BED
For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail, etc.,all to no avail. None of the men seemed to meet her qualifications. Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man, with no arms and no legs, lying on the welcome mat. Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you and what do you want?" "Hi," said the man "Your search is over, for I am the man of your dreams. I've got no arms, so I can't beat you up and I'vegot no legs, so I can't run away." The old woman asked, "What makes you think you're so great in bed?" To which he replied, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding.Their life together was, of course, perfect.One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple,they stopped to help.There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys.Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.

Question: Who was the survivor?






(Scroll down for the answer. Trust me, it's worth it)









Answer: The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.
**** Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.Men keep scrolling.












So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.Men Keep scrolling
















By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading, this illustratesanother point: Women never listen.

Typical Malaysian

A Malaysian dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country. He goes first to the German hell and asks, "What do they do here?" He is told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day." The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on. He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell. Then he comes to the Malaysian hell and finds that there is a verylong line of people waiting to get in. Amazed he asks, "What do they do here?" He is told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour.Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour.Then the Malaysian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day.""But that is exactly the same as all the other hells -why are there so many people waiting to get in?" "Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not work, someone has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the devil is a former Government servant, so he comes in, signs the register and then goes to the canteen.

Hati-hati bagi hadiah

Pada suatu hari, Rosli nak belikan hadiah hari jadi untuk kekasih barunya, MekSenah. So Rosli ni pun ajaklah adik perempuan sepupunya untuk temankan diashopping kat Chow Kit.Oleh kerana mereka baru dua bulan berkawan jadi si Rosli membuat keputusan untukmembelikan Mek Senah satu topi kain fesyen baru saje, kaler hitamberbunga-bunga,supaya taklah nampak dia beriya-iya sangat. Adik sepupu Roslipulak pegi beli satu seluar dalam hitam, pun berbunga-bunga, sebab ada saleharitu.Masa membayar, dengan tak sengaja cashier dah tertukar kotak topi kain hitam tudengan seluar dalam hitam adik sepupu Rosli! Selepas membayar Rosli pun teruspergi kaunter hadiah dan suruh diaorang bungkus tanpa memeriksa isi kandungannyaterlebih dahulu. Kemudian dia balik ke rumah dan tulis surat untuk Mek Senahserta mengeposkannya bersama hadiah yang dah tersilap tu.Surat yang dia tulis tuberbunyi cam nie: Istimewa untuk kekasihku Mek Senah, Sli pilih hadiah nie kerana Senah tak pernahpakai bila kita keluar jalan-jalan dan selalu mengadu sebab panas. Kalau bukansebab adik sepupu Sli, Sli dah nak beli yang lagi jarang supaya kalau berpeluhtak lembab sangat. Tapi Sli tengok adik sepupu Sli pakai yang ada bunga tunampak cantik pulak. Sli pilih warna hitam tu supaya tak nampak luntur. Promoteryang jual tu tunjuk dia punya dah seminggu tak basuh. Nampak elok saje. Slisuruh dia try Senah punya sebab saiz promoter tu lebih kurang Senah je. Memangcantik dan menarik! Harapnya Senah suka sebab Sli rasa memang sesuai denganSenah. Tak sabar rasanya nak tengok Senah pakai depan Sli. Sli harap Senah akanpakai untuk Sli hujung minggu nie.Salam sayang untuk kekasihku, Mek Senah.........Yang Menyayangimu, Sli P.S: Kalau Senah nak pakai, stail terbaru ialah dengan melipat bahagian depandan menampakkan sedikit rambut.

Kes sengau

Seorang lelaki yang sengau naik ke sebuah bas lalu bertanya kepada pemandu bas "Vang.. vas nih fegi hamfang ke...? " bang, bas ni pergi ampang ke?).Pemandu bas itu berdiam diri. Marah kerana tidak dilayan, lelaki sengau itu pun turun dari bas. Seorang lelaki lain di belakang pemuda sengau tadi pun bertanya kepada pemandu bas itu. "kenapa awak diam tadi? kesian dia..." Pemandu itu pun menjawab: "Masham mana haya nak hawab.... haya hun hengau hugak.. hhanti hia hata haya hehek hia hulakk!!!........" (macam mana saya nak jawab.. saya pun sengau jugak.. nanti dia kata saya ejek dia pulak!!!)..."

Sex joke : Gabriel's horn

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and young SisterMagdalene O'Hara had prepared the bath water and towels just the way theold Mother Superior from Ireland had instructed. Sister MagdaleneO'Hara was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if shecould help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray. The nextmorning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bathhad gone."Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily. "I've been saved.""Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?" asked the old nun inher best brogue without a hint of skepticism disclosed."Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him,and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legswhere he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.""Did he now?" said the old nun evenly.Sister Magdalene continued, "And he said that if the Key to Heaven fitmy lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would beassured of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided hisKey to Heaven into my lock.""Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly."At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway tosalvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swellmy heart with ecstasy. And it did; it felt so good being saved.""That wicked old Devil!" said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel'sHorn, and I've been blowing it these past 40 years!"

Dwarf's sex joke

Two dwarfs had just won the lottery, so they go out and hire 2prostitutes and 2 hotel rooms. The first dwarf tries desparately allnight to get an erection. But all he can hear from the next room is,"1, 2, 3, unh!" and this goes on all night.The next morning, the second dwarf asks, "So how did >it go?"The first dwarf replies, "Shit, I couldn't get an erection. How was yournight?"The second dwarf turns around and replies, "Even worse, I couldn't evenget on the bed!"