court jokes

From a little book called "Disorder in the Court." They're
> things
> > >>people actually said in court, word for word.
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>Q: What is your date of birth?
> > >>
> > >> A: July fifteenth.
> > >>
> > >> Q: What year?
> > >>
> > >> A: Every year.
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
> > >>
> > >>A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all?
> > >>
> > >>A: Yes.
> > >>
> > >>Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
> > >>
> > >>A: I forget.
> > >>
> > >>Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that
> you've
> > >>forgotten?
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>Q: How old is your son-the one living with you.
> > >>
> > >> A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
> > >>
> > >> Q: How long has he lived with you?
> > >>
> > >> A: Forty-five years.
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he
woke
> > that
> > >>morning?
> > >>
> > >>A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
> > >>
> > >>Q: And why did that upset you?
> > >>
> > >>A: My name is Susan.
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>Q: And where was the location of the accident?
> > >>
> > >>A: Approximately milepost 499.
> > >>
> > >>Q: And where is milepost 499?
> > >>
> > >>A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
> > >>
> > >> A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >> Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
> > >>
> > >> A: After the accident?
> > >>
> > >> Q: Before the accident.
> > >>
> > >> A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the
> > voodoo
> > >>or occult?
> > >>
> > >>A: We both do.
> > >>
> > >>Q: Voodoo?
> > >>
> > >>A: We do.
> > >>
> > >>Q: You do?
> > >>
> > >>A: Yes, voodoo.
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and
> blue
> > >>lights flashing?
> > >>
> > >>A: Yes.
> > >>
> > >>Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
> > >>
> > >> A: Yes, sir.
> > >>
> > >>Q: What did she say?
> > >>
> > >>A: "What disco am I at?"
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >> --------------
> > >>
> > >> [some of these you may have seen before...]
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >> Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers
> > >>journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses
> by
> > >>attorneys during trials and,in certain cases, the responses given

> by
> > insightful witnesses:
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
> sleep,
> > he
> > >>doesn't know about it until the next morning?
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
> > >>
> > >>
> > >> Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
> > >>
> > >>
> > >> Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the
war?
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>Q: Did he kill you?
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >> Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the
collision?
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >> Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
> > >>
> > >> A: Yes.
> > >>
> > >>Q: And what were you doing at that time?
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >> Q: She had three children, right?
> > >>
> > >> A: Yes.
> > >>
> > >> Q: How many were boys?
> > >>
> > >> A: None.
> > >>
> > >> Q: Were there any girls?
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >> Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
> > >>
> > >> A: Yes.
> > >>
> > >> Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >> Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon,
didn't
> > you?
> > >>
> > >> A: I went to Europe, Sir.
> > >>
> > >> Q: And you took your new wife?
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >> Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
> > >>
> > >> A: By death.
> > >>
> > >> Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >> Q: Can you describe the individual?
> > >>
> > >> A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
> > >>
> > >> Q: Was this a male, or a female?
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >> Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition
> > >>notice which I sent to your attorney?
> > >>
> > >>A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

> > >>
> > >> A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >> Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go

> > to?
> > >>
> > >> A: Oral.
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >> Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
> > >>
> > >> A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
> > >>
> > >> Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
> > >>
> > >> A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an

> > >>autopsy.
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >> Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for
a
> > >>pulse?
> > >>
> > >>A: No.
> > >>
> > >> Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
> > >>
> > >> A: No.
> > >>
> > >> Q: Did you check for breathing?
> > >>
> > >> A: No.
> > >>
> > >> Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
> > began
> > >>the autopsy?
> > >>
> > >> A: No.
> > >>
> > >> Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
> > >>
> > >> A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
> > >>
> > >> Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
> > >>
> > >> A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
> law
> > >>somewhere.
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >> Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
> > >>
> > >> A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.
> > >>
>