Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Nuns at confession

One day there was four nuns in line for confessional. The first nun said, Forgive me, father, for I have sinned. He asked how. She said I saw a man"s private part. He told her to wash her eyes with holy water. The second nun comes in and says, Forgive me, father, for I have sinned.- He asked how. I touched a man"s private parts.He told her to wash her hands in holy water. Then he heard the third and fourth nun fighting. He asked why they were fighting. The fourth nun said, I"m not going to put my mouth in the holy water after she sat in it.

Four Letter Words

As soon as the newlyweds returned from their honeymoon, the young bride called her mother, who lived a couple of hours away. How did everything go?- Mom asked. Oh, mother, she began, the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic, we had a terrific time. But, mother, on our way back, Andy started using really horrible language. Stuff I"d never heard before. Really terrible four-letter words. You"ve got to come get me and take me home. Please, Mother!- And the new bride sobbed over the telephone. But, honey, the mother countered, what four-letter words? I can"t tell you, mother, they"re too awful! Come get me, please! Darling, you must tell me what has gotten you so upset.... Tell mother what four-letter words he used.Still sobbing, the bride said, Mother, words like dust, wash, iron, cook.

Hippie and nun

A hippie on a city bus notices a young nun sitting across from him and at once finds himself very attracted to her. He moves to sit with her and after telling her that she is the most beautiful woman he has ever seen, he asks her to dinner. The nun declines, and the hippie proceeds to invite the nun for "perhaps a roll in the hay". The nun, of course, declines the offer and gets off at the next stop. The hippie, offended and very disappointed, strikes up a conversation with the bus driver. The driver leans over and says to the hippie, "You really want that nun, huh?" After the hippie nods emphatically and demonstrates his point with several lewd gestures, the driver grins and thinks for a moment. "Well," he says, "Every Thursday at six PM she takes this bus to the local cemetery, where she prays for about an hour. You two could be alone there..."The hippie grows excited as he thinks of a plan. Thursday comes and the hippie waits by the entrance to the cemetery. Sure enough, at six PM he sees the nun enter and he quietly follows her. She stops and kneels by a headstone and clasps her hands in prayer. The eager hippie opens his knapsack, and puts on his costume-a long flowing white robe and a bearded facemask. He tosses a handful of glitter at the nun and catching her attention, he steps slowly towards her. "My child" he says in a soft voice, "It is I, your Lord. You have been such a faithful servant to me, I have come to reward you with a satisfying sexual experience." The nun gasps, "Oh....Well, that is fine, but could you take me from behind?? At least that way I could still consider myself a virgin. My vow of celibacy is important to me." The hippie, eager to get going nods and takes the nun in his arms. He turns her around, bends her over, and performs anal sex until they are both pleasantly worn out. After they are finished, the hippie pulls off his mask and shouts... "HAHA, I'M THE HIPPIE!!!" to which the nun responds by taking off her mask and shouting... "HAHA, I'M THE BUS DRIVER!!!"

Four Types of Sex

>There are four kinds of sex:

HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the
>house in every room.
BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have
>sex In the bedroom.
HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just
>pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"
COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the
>divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.

Top 10 reasons why Trick Or Treating is better than sex:

Top 10 reasons why Trick Or Treating is better than sex:
10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8) The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7) You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.
6) It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are.
5) Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.
4) If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.
3) It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2) Less guilt the morning after.

Top Ten Times In History when using the "F" word was appropriate:

Top Ten Times In History when using the "F" word was appropriate:

10) "What the *&%# was that?" -- Mayor of Hiroshima
9) "Where did all these *&%#ing Indians come from?" -- Custer
8) "Any *&%#ing idiot could understand that." -- Einstein
7) "It does *&%#ing SO look like her!" -- Picasso
6) "How the *&%# did I work that out?" -- Pythagorus
5) "You mean, on the *&%#ing ceiling?" -- Michaelangelo
4) "I don't suppose it's gonna *&%#ing rain." -- Joan of Arc
3) "Scattered *&%#ing @ss!" -- Noah
2) "I need this parade like I need a *&%#ing hole in my head!" - JFK
1) "Aw, c'mon, who the *&%# is going to find out?" -- Bill Clinton