Saturday, March 29, 2008

Short jokes

Dad: Son, what do you want for your birthday?
Son: Just a radio, dad, with a sports car around it.


The girl asked her lover, "Darling, if we get engaged will you
give me a ring?"
"Sure, " replied her lover "What's your phone number?"

Young Man: Would you like to dance with me?
Young Woman: Do you expect me to dance with a baby!
Young Man: I'm so sorry. I didn't know you were pregnant.

If a man is bald at the front, he is a thinker. If he is bald at the
back, he is sexy. If he is bald from front to back - he thinks he is
sexy.

A psychiatrist met a friend and exclaimed, "I heard you died." "But
you
see I'm alive ," smiled the friend. "Impossible," said the
psychiatrist.
"The man who told me is much more reliable than you."

A man went to an eye specialist to get his eyes tested and asked,
"Doctor, will I be able to read after wearing glasses?" "Yes, of
course,"
said the doctor, "why not!"
"Oh! How nice it would be ," said the patient with joy, "I have been
illiterate for so long."

"I have a bad headache. I'll visit the doctor."
"Nonsense, yesterday I had a headache, I dashed home, gave a
big kiss to my wife and the pain disappeared. Why don't you try it?"
"Good idea, call up your wife and tell her I'll be right over."

Court scene:
1st Lawyer: You're a fool
2nd Lawyer: And you're a damn fool.
Judge : As the learned lawyers have now identified each other, can we
now
proceed with the case.

The boss came early in the morning one day and found his manager
kissing
his secretary. He shouted at him, "Is this what I pay you for?"
The manager replied: "No, sir, this I do free of charge."

A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next
door
and said, "Do you see that couple? How devoted they are?
He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?"
"I would love to," replied the husband, "but I don't know her well
enough."

A priest, seeing a blank signboard hanging on a lamppost wrote upon it:
"I pray for all."
A Solicitor wrote underneath: "I plead for all."
A doctor added: "I prescribe for all."
A simple citizen wrote: "I pay for all."

Wife : you delivered an excellent speech.
Hubby : Thanks dear, but the audience was full of fools & idiots.
Wife : Is that why you addressed them as your brothers & sisters?

After a dinner speech, the speaker scolded his secretary:
"Why did you write such a long speech for me? You saw how those
people were feeling bored!" The secretary replied, "Sir, it wasn't a
lengthy speech at all; but I did make one mistake- I gave you all 3
copies of the speech."

A Rotary visitor to Japan told a joke lasting 2 minutes.
The interpreter then translated using only a few words. Everyone
laughed. Afterwards the visitor asked the interpreter how he
translated such a long joke so quickly. "Well, I didn't think
they would get the point, so I said, "Our guest has just told
a joke. Everyone please laugh."


A man with a banana stuck in his ear and a green bean stuffed up
each nostril walks into the doctor's office.

The doctor looks at him and asks what he can do for him.

"Doctor, I just haven't been feeling well lately."

"Well, I can see you are not eating right."

____________________________________________________________

Pilot: November 123 on a very short final, understand I'm cleared to
land
?
Tower: Oh, who's talking ?
Pilot: Me

Radar: Flight 1234, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees
Pilot: Roger, but we are at 35.000 feet, how much noise can we
make up here ?
Radar: Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 707 makes when it hits
a 727 ?

Radar: CRX 500, are you on a course to SUL ?
Pilot: More or less
Radar: So proceed a little bit more to SUL

Tower: N2234, are you a Cessna ?
Pilot: No, I'm a male hispanic

Pilot: ... request heading 110 to avoid"
Radar: To avoid what ?
Pilot: To avoid delay

Pilot: Radar, this is Cessna 4675
Radar: Cessna 4675, go ahead
Pilot: Radar, I dont seem to be making much progress here.
How is my groundspeed ?
Radar: Well, all depends. If you are a hang glider, you are
doing very well.

Captain: (after landing a bit rough)
Ladies and Gentlemen, it's happy hour. You just received
two
landings for the price of one.

redneck joke

A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to
claim it and the man verifies his ticket number. The Redneck says, "I
want
my
$20 million."

The man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a
million today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19
years."

The Redneck said, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it
and I
want it."

Again, the man explain that he would only get a million that day and
the
rest during the next 19 years.

The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I want my money!
If
you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my
dollar
back!"

blonde joke

A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money,
she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind
a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid.
Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under
the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the
playground. Signed, A Blonde."

The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent
him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the
blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting
beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened the bag and found
the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this
to a fellow Blonde?"

Old man & very young wife.......

It was the stir of the town when an 80 year old man married a 20
year
old girl. After a year she went into the hospital to give birth.
The
nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying "This is amazing.
How do you do it at your age? He answered "You've got to keep that
old motor running." The following year she gave birth again. The
same nurse said You really are amazing. How do you do it? He again
said
"You've got to keep the old motor running." The same thing happened
the next year. The nurse said You must be quite a man." He
responded "You've got to keep that old motor running." The nurse
then said, "Well, you had better change the oil. This one's black."

balloons

1) Little Johnny
> >
> > Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom,
what
> > are those things on your chest!?" Unsure of how to reply, she
tells
> > Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the
matter
> > would be forgotten. Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he

asked
> > his father the same question. His father, always quick with the
answers,
> > says,"Why? Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we
> > can blow them up and she'll float to heaven." Johnny thinks that's

neat
> > and asks no more questions.
> >
> > A few weeks later, Johnnys' dad comes home from work a few hours
> > early.
> > Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy!
> > Mommy's dying!!"
> > His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's
dying?"
> >
> > "Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommys' balloons and she's screaming
> > "Oh God, I'm coming!"

Friday, March 28, 2008

adam and eve

After Adam and Eve had been romping around and had a great time in
the
Garden for a couple of days, Adam was reflecting on God's wise
choice
of
providing him a mate, and he wanted to thank the Creator
personally.
"Hi God. Say, thanks a lot for the woman you made for me, even
though
I still got that pain in my side," Adam said.

"Don't mention it," God replied.
"By the way, I like how you made her so soft and warm." Adam said.

"That was so you will love her," God answered.
"And her hair is soft and silky," said Adam. "That was so you will

love her," God answers.
"And she is so small, and I feel big and strong beside her," said
Adam. "hat was so you will love her," God answers.
"Hmmm, nice ... and she is so pretty and has a soothing voice."
"That was so you will love her," God answers.

"Yes, I do love her, but God, why did you make her so dumb?"

"That was so SHE will love YOU."

johnie smart ass

Johnie goes to school, and the teacher says "Today we are going to
learn
> multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a
> multi-syllable word?"
> Johnie waves his hand, "Me, teacher, me, me!"
> Teacher says "All right, little Johnie, what is your multi-syllable
> word?"
> Little Johnie says "Mas-tur-bate."
> Teacher smiles and says "Wow, little Johnie, that's a mouthful."
> Johnie says "No teacher, you're thinking of a blowjob...

very funny

It is near the end of the school
> year. The teacher has turned in her grades. There is really
> nothing to do. All the kids are restless because there is
> nothing to do and it is near the end of the day. The teacher says,
"Whoever
> answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leaveearly
today."
> Little Johnny says to himself,"Good, I want to get outta here. I'm
smart
> and will answer the question".The teacher asked,
> "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'? Before Johnny could open

> his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln". The teacher said, "That's
right
> Susie. You can go". Johnny was MAD. Susie answered first. The
teacher
> asked, "Who said, 'I Have a Dream'?" Before Johnny could open his
> mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King". The teacher said, "That's
right
> Mary. You can go". Johnny was even MADDER than before. Mary
> answered first. The teacher asked, "Who said
> 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny could
open
his
> mouth, Nancy said, "John Kennedy". The teacher said, "That's right
> Nancy. You can go". Johnny was BOILING MAD. Nancy answered
> first. Then the teacher turned her back, and Johnny said, "I wish
these
> bitches would keep their
> mouths shut". The teacher asked, "WHO SAID THAT?" Johnny said, "BILL
> CLINTON, CAN
> I GO NOW?"

Bill Gates goes to hell

Bill Gates dies and finds himself being sized up by God.
>
> "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether
to
> send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society

by
> putting a computer in every home in America, yet you also created
that
> ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do something I've never done
before.
> I'm
> going to let you decide where you want to go."
>
> Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two?"
>
> God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, to see
if it
> will help your decision."
>
> "Okay then, " said Bill, "let's try Hell first."
>
> Bill went to Hell. It was beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear
waters
> and lots of beautiful women running around, playing in the water,
laughing
> and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect.

He
> was very pleased.
>
> "This is great," he told God. "If this is Hell, I really want to see

> Heaven."
>
> "Fine," said God, and off they went. Heaven was a place high in the
> clouds,with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was

> nice,
> but not as enticing as Hell.
>
> Bill thought for a minute, and rendered his decision. "Hmmm. I think

I'd
> prefer Hell," he told God. "Fine," replied God, "as you desire."
>
> Bill Gates went to Hell.
>
> Two weeks later, God decided to check on the late billionaire to see
how
> he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to
a
> wall
> screaming amongst hot flames in a dark cave, being burned and
tortured by
> demons, with no one to help him out of his dilemma no matter how
loudly
he
> screamed.
>
> "How's everything going?" He asked Bill. "This is awful. This is
> nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago. I can't believe this
is
> happening. What happened to that other place, with the beaches and
the
> beautiful women playing in the water?"
>
> "Oh," God said ...."That was Hell 3.1. This is Hell 98.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Nuns at confession

One day there was four nuns in line for confessional. The first nun said, Forgive me, father, for I have sinned. He asked how. She said I saw a man"s private part. He told her to wash her eyes with holy water. The second nun comes in and says, Forgive me, father, for I have sinned.- He asked how. I touched a man"s private parts.He told her to wash her hands in holy water. Then he heard the third and fourth nun fighting. He asked why they were fighting. The fourth nun said, I"m not going to put my mouth in the holy water after she sat in it.

Four Letter Words

As soon as the newlyweds returned from their honeymoon, the young bride called her mother, who lived a couple of hours away. How did everything go?- Mom asked. Oh, mother, she began, the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic, we had a terrific time. But, mother, on our way back, Andy started using really horrible language. Stuff I"d never heard before. Really terrible four-letter words. You"ve got to come get me and take me home. Please, Mother!- And the new bride sobbed over the telephone. But, honey, the mother countered, what four-letter words? I can"t tell you, mother, they"re too awful! Come get me, please! Darling, you must tell me what has gotten you so upset.... Tell mother what four-letter words he used.Still sobbing, the bride said, Mother, words like dust, wash, iron, cook.

Hippie and nun

A hippie on a city bus notices a young nun sitting across from him and at once finds himself very attracted to her. He moves to sit with her and after telling her that she is the most beautiful woman he has ever seen, he asks her to dinner. The nun declines, and the hippie proceeds to invite the nun for "perhaps a roll in the hay". The nun, of course, declines the offer and gets off at the next stop. The hippie, offended and very disappointed, strikes up a conversation with the bus driver. The driver leans over and says to the hippie, "You really want that nun, huh?" After the hippie nods emphatically and demonstrates his point with several lewd gestures, the driver grins and thinks for a moment. "Well," he says, "Every Thursday at six PM she takes this bus to the local cemetery, where she prays for about an hour. You two could be alone there..."The hippie grows excited as he thinks of a plan. Thursday comes and the hippie waits by the entrance to the cemetery. Sure enough, at six PM he sees the nun enter and he quietly follows her. She stops and kneels by a headstone and clasps her hands in prayer. The eager hippie opens his knapsack, and puts on his costume-a long flowing white robe and a bearded facemask. He tosses a handful of glitter at the nun and catching her attention, he steps slowly towards her. "My child" he says in a soft voice, "It is I, your Lord. You have been such a faithful servant to me, I have come to reward you with a satisfying sexual experience." The nun gasps, "Oh....Well, that is fine, but could you take me from behind?? At least that way I could still consider myself a virgin. My vow of celibacy is important to me." The hippie, eager to get going nods and takes the nun in his arms. He turns her around, bends her over, and performs anal sex until they are both pleasantly worn out. After they are finished, the hippie pulls off his mask and shouts... "HAHA, I'M THE HIPPIE!!!" to which the nun responds by taking off her mask and shouting... "HAHA, I'M THE BUS DRIVER!!!"

Four Types of Sex

>There are four kinds of sex:

>
HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the
>house in every room.
>
BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have
>sex In the bedroom.
>
HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just
>pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"
>
COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the
>divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.

Top 10 reasons why Trick Or Treating is better than sex:

Top 10 reasons why Trick Or Treating is better than sex:
10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8) The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7) You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.
6) It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are.
5) Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.
4) If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.
3) It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2) Less guilt the morning after.
1) YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD.

Top Ten Times In History when using the "F" word was appropriate:

Top Ten Times In History when using the "F" word was appropriate:

10) "What the *&%# was that?" -- Mayor of Hiroshima
9) "Where did all these *&%#ing Indians come from?" -- Custer
8) "Any *&%#ing idiot could understand that." -- Einstein
7) "It does *&%#ing SO look like her!" -- Picasso
6) "How the *&%# did I work that out?" -- Pythagorus
5) "You mean, on the *&%#ing ceiling?" -- Michaelangelo
4) "I don't suppose it's gonna *&%#ing rain." -- Joan of Arc
3) "Scattered *&%#ing showers...my @ss!" -- Noah
2) "I need this parade like I need a *&%#ing hole in my head!" - JFK
1) "Aw, c'mon, who the *&%# is going to find out?" -- Bill Clinton

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

court jokes

From a little book called "Disorder in the Court." They're
> things
> > >>people actually said in court, word for word.
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>Q: What is your date of birth?
> > >>
> > >> A: July fifteenth.
> > >>
> > >> Q: What year?
> > >>
> > >> A: Every year.
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
> > >>
> > >>A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all?
> > >>
> > >>A: Yes.
> > >>
> > >>Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
> > >>
> > >>A: I forget.
> > >>
> > >>Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that
> you've
> > >>forgotten?
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>Q: How old is your son-the one living with you.
> > >>
> > >> A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
> > >>
> > >> Q: How long has he lived with you?
> > >>
> > >> A: Forty-five years.
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he
woke
> > that
> > >>morning?
> > >>
> > >>A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
> > >>
> > >>Q: And why did that upset you?
> > >>
> > >>A: My name is Susan.
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>Q: And where was the location of the accident?
> > >>
> > >>A: Approximately milepost 499.
> > >>
> > >>Q: And where is milepost 499?
> > >>
> > >>A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
> > >>
> > >> A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >> Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
> > >>
> > >> A: After the accident?
> > >>
> > >> Q: Before the accident.
> > >>
> > >> A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the
> > voodoo
> > >>or occult?
> > >>
> > >>A: We both do.
> > >>
> > >>Q: Voodoo?
> > >>
> > >>A: We do.
> > >>
> > >>Q: You do?
> > >>
> > >>A: Yes, voodoo.
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and
> blue
> > >>lights flashing?
> > >>
> > >>A: Yes.
> > >>
> > >>Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
> > >>
> > >> A: Yes, sir.
> > >>
> > >>Q: What did she say?
> > >>
> > >>A: "What disco am I at?"
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >> --------------
> > >>
> > >> [some of these you may have seen before...]
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >> Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers
> > >>journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses
> by
> > >>attorneys during trials and,in certain cases, the responses given

> by
> > insightful witnesses:
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
> sleep,
> > he
> > >>doesn't know about it until the next morning?
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
> > >>
> > >>
> > >> Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
> > >>
> > >>
> > >> Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the
war?
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>Q: Did he kill you?
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >> Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the
collision?
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >> Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
> > >>
> > >> A: Yes.
> > >>
> > >>Q: And what were you doing at that time?
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >> Q: She had three children, right?
> > >>
> > >> A: Yes.
> > >>
> > >> Q: How many were boys?
> > >>
> > >> A: None.
> > >>
> > >> Q: Were there any girls?
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >> Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
> > >>
> > >> A: Yes.
> > >>
> > >> Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >> Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon,
didn't
> > you?
> > >>
> > >> A: I went to Europe, Sir.
> > >>
> > >> Q: And you took your new wife?
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >> Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
> > >>
> > >> A: By death.
> > >>
> > >> Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >> Q: Can you describe the individual?
> > >>
> > >> A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
> > >>
> > >> Q: Was this a male, or a female?
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >> Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition
> > >>notice which I sent to your attorney?
> > >>
> > >>A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

> > >>
> > >> A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >> Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go

> > to?
> > >>
> > >> A: Oral.
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >> Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
> > >>
> > >> A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
> > >>
> > >> Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
> > >>
> > >> A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an

> > >>autopsy.
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >> Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for
a
> > >>pulse?
> > >>
> > >>A: No.
> > >>
> > >> Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
> > >>
> > >> A: No.
> > >>
> > >> Q: Did you check for breathing?
> > >>
> > >> A: No.
> > >>
> > >> Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
> > began
> > >>the autopsy?
> > >>
> > >> A: No.
> > >>
> > >> Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
> > >>
> > >> A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
> > >>
> > >> Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
> > >>
> > >> A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
> law
> > >>somewhere.
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >> Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
> > >>
> > >> A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.
> > >>
>

3 zaman berbeza

(A) : adalah cara percakapan semasa zaman diraja.
(B) : zaman sekarang / pertengahan
(C) : cara perbualan budak2 remaja zaman sekarang.


Ayat 1
(A) Ingin hamba sampaikan bahawa sesungguhnya memadailah dengan
hanya menepuk di bahagian anggota tanpa meninggalkan kesan.
(B) Saya ingin nasihatkan awak kalau nak pukul, jangan sampai ada bekas
(C) Wa cakap sama lu ... lu kalau mao kropok dia... lu kropok jangan kasi lebam beb.

Ayat 2
(A) Sungguh mengecewakan peradaban tuan hamba di depan majlis ini.
(B) Kurang ajar sungguh awak nie
(C) Oi Kakak kao punyer laki ahhh! Kong ajar eh? Babis punyer budak! siak kanina tul...

Ayat 3
(A) Sesungguhnya hamba! masih mengharap balasan kasih dari tuan hamba... akan
tetapi, hamba tidak ingin memaksa tuan hamba untuk membuat keputusan .
(B) Cinta aku belum lagi berbalas... berilah aku peluang kali ini untuk mengisi
ruang hati mu.
(C) Beb.... wa takmu jiwa-jiwa sama lu... tapi wa suah cintan rabak sama lu...
wa takut wa takleh tahan nanti wa terdugong .. plse ahhhhh.

Ayat 4
(A) Sayugia diingatkan bahawa sesungguhnya tarikh masuknya permulaan bulan syawal
ialah esok... dari itu hari ini merupakan hari penggenap Ramadan.
(B) Di sini diumumkan bahawa besok kita akan menyambut Hari Raya Aidilfitri
(C) Oi!!!!!! Besok dah tak payah poser! Yeaaahhooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!

Ayat 5
(A) Adalah menjadi harapan hamba sekiranya dapat hamba bersama-sama tuan sekelian
ke majlis keramaian itu kelak.
(B) Saya ingin bersama-sama anda ke majlis itu...boleh tak?
(C) Hoi penyapu! Korang tunggu aku tau... aku ! pun nak ikot.

Ayat 6
(A) Barangsiapa yg telah dgn tanpa segan dan silu melakukan sesuatu kemungkaran...
maka.. atas dirinya akan dibalas kemungkaran.
(B) Siapa yg berbuat jahat akan dihukum
(C) Sapa yg tunjok terer kat sini aku kompang sampai mati.. bedek takda..jgn memain dgn aku hah.

Ayat 7
(A) Sungguh menakjubkan kesaktian yg ada atas empunya diri
(B) Dia sungguh hebat sekali
(C) Mak kao! Pawer siol!

Ayat 8
(A) Adalah menjadi kemusykilan bagi diri hamba tentang perkara yg telah diketengahkan
(B) Apakah maksud anda?. Boleh tolong jelaskan?
(C) Oi! What cork are u talking about?... say poply ahh!

********

ayat zaman hang tuah.
sungguh besarlah hajat kami datang bertandang, andai
besar si gunung tahan, besar lagi hajat di hati kami.
sudilah kiranya kami ingin menyunting bunga yg sedang
mekar berseri di jambanga! n taman tuan hamba.
bagaimana pandangan tuan hamba?

ayat zaman p. ramlee
pakcik, saya ni datang nak meminang anak pakcik untuk
bos saya. aaa...tak payah cakap banyak pakcik, terima
jelah. pakcik senang, saya pun tak payah nak
berulang-alik 3,4 kali ke rumah pakcik. setuju?

ayat zaman skang
sebelum perut anak awak nampak membonjol, elok je la
kita satukan anak kita cepat-cepat. orang pun tak
mengata kalau naik pelamin. nanti kalau dah memboyot,
anak awak, dengan awak sekeluarga semua malu. anak
saya dah janji nak bertanggungjawab.

********

Bahasa Istana Dulu
Eh! dinda ni, kalau nak mencemar udara, biarlah kanda
tambatkan sang Dewata
kuda kesayangan hamba ini, tak manis kalau didengar
dayang istana..

Bahasa Padang Kota, Penang
Chessss .. mangggkok hayon dongga ghopla jigga punya
marka, kalau nak kentut pun biaq la aku tongkat moto
dulu, sambai petai kurang asam jawa punya budak..
chessss hang cirit ka..?!
Two weeks ago was my 35th birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday," and probably have a present for me She didn't even say "Good Morning," let alone any"Happy Birthday." I thought, "Well, that's wives for you, the children will remember. " The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent.As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said,"Good morning, boss. Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better; someone had remembered. I worked until noon. Then, Janet knocked on my door and said"You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday,let's go to lunch, just you and me."said, "By George,that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go." We went to lunch. We didn't gowhere we normally go; we went out to the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.On the way back to the office, she said, "You know,it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back tothe office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."After arriving at her apartment she said, 'Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable." "Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake,followed by my wife, children,and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday...............And there I sat...on the couch...naked ...........

Postman Pat

It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the post through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for £500. At the second house they presented him fine Cuban cigars in an 18-carat gold box. The folks at the third house handed him a case of 30-year old Scotch whisky.At the fourth house a dumb blonde in her lingerie met him at thedoor. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to thebedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the dumb blonde fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, tomatoes, ham,sausage, blueberry waffles, and freshly squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed Five Pound Note sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words,"he said, "but what's the fiver for?" "Well," said, the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Fuck him. Give him a fiver.......................the breakfast was my idea."

Pre PRU12 era joke

Samy Vellu was visiting India when he fell and broke his jaw. He was unable to speak. Being the great leader that he is, he continued his grand tour. On the last week of his visit, the RTM crew was present for his press conference. Although unable to speak, Samy insisted on sending a message home to his Cabinet colleagues. Samy caught a chicken and showed it to the camera. Next he took a goat, and showed it to the camera. Finally he took a bag and displayed it in front of the camera. Dr Ling was the first to see the video clip. He said, "Samy is telling us that India has insufficient food because he showed us a chicken and a goat, and he wants Malaysia to donate bags of rice." Mahathir watched silently then said, "No lah....what Samy is trying to say is HE IS COMING BACK. The whole cabinet was puzzled and look to the old man for an explanation. Mahathir reasoned, "AYAM KAMBING BEG." , which means.................. "I AM COMING BACK"

Rich widow....so funny!

A rich, lonely widow decided that she needed another man in her life, so she placed a personal ad that read:
RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH THE FOLLOWING QUALIFICATIONS:
1. WON'T BEAT ME UP
2. WON'T RUN AWAY
3. HAS TO BEGREAT IN BED
For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail, etc.,all to no avail. None of the men seemed to meet her qualifications. Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man, with no arms and no legs, lying on the welcome mat. Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you and what do you want?" "Hi," said the man "Your search is over, for I am the man of your dreams. I've got no arms, so I can't beat you up and I'vegot no legs, so I can't run away." The old woman asked, "What makes you think you're so great in bed?" To which he replied, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding.Their life together was, of course, perfect.One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple,they stopped to help.There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys.Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.

Question: Who was the survivor?






(Scroll down for the answer. Trust me, it's worth it)









Answer: The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.
**** Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.Men keep scrolling.












So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.Men Keep scrolling
















By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading, this illustratesanother point: Women never listen.

Typical Malaysian

A Malaysian dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country. He goes first to the German hell and asks, "What do they do here?" He is told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day." The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on. He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell. Then he comes to the Malaysian hell and finds that there is a verylong line of people waiting to get in. Amazed he asks, "What do they do here?" He is told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour.Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour.Then the Malaysian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day.""But that is exactly the same as all the other hells -why are there so many people waiting to get in?" "Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not work, someone has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the devil is a former Government servant, so he comes in, signs the register and then goes to the canteen.

Hati-hati bagi hadiah

Pada suatu hari, Rosli nak belikan hadiah hari jadi untuk kekasih barunya, MekSenah. So Rosli ni pun ajaklah adik perempuan sepupunya untuk temankan diashopping kat Chow Kit.Oleh kerana mereka baru dua bulan berkawan jadi si Rosli membuat keputusan untukmembelikan Mek Senah satu topi kain fesyen baru saje, kaler hitamberbunga-bunga,supaya taklah nampak dia beriya-iya sangat. Adik sepupu Roslipulak pegi beli satu seluar dalam hitam, pun berbunga-bunga, sebab ada saleharitu.Masa membayar, dengan tak sengaja cashier dah tertukar kotak topi kain hitam tudengan seluar dalam hitam adik sepupu Rosli! Selepas membayar Rosli pun teruspergi kaunter hadiah dan suruh diaorang bungkus tanpa memeriksa isi kandungannyaterlebih dahulu. Kemudian dia balik ke rumah dan tulis surat untuk Mek Senahserta mengeposkannya bersama hadiah yang dah tersilap tu.Surat yang dia tulis tuberbunyi cam nie: Istimewa untuk kekasihku Mek Senah, Sli pilih hadiah nie kerana Senah tak pernahpakai bila kita keluar jalan-jalan dan selalu mengadu sebab panas. Kalau bukansebab adik sepupu Sli, Sli dah nak beli yang lagi jarang supaya kalau berpeluhtak lembab sangat. Tapi Sli tengok adik sepupu Sli pakai yang ada bunga tunampak cantik pulak. Sli pilih warna hitam tu supaya tak nampak luntur. Promoteryang jual tu tunjuk dia punya dah seminggu tak basuh. Nampak elok saje. Slisuruh dia try Senah punya sebab saiz promoter tu lebih kurang Senah je. Memangcantik dan menarik! Harapnya Senah suka sebab Sli rasa memang sesuai denganSenah. Tak sabar rasanya nak tengok Senah pakai depan Sli. Sli harap Senah akanpakai untuk Sli hujung minggu nie.Salam sayang untuk kekasihku, Mek Senah.........Yang Menyayangimu, Sli P.S: Kalau Senah nak pakai, stail terbaru ialah dengan melipat bahagian depandan menampakkan sedikit rambut.

Kes sengau

Seorang lelaki yang sengau naik ke sebuah bas lalu bertanya kepada pemandu bas "Vang.. vas nih fegi hamfang ke...? " bang, bas ni pergi ampang ke?).Pemandu bas itu berdiam diri. Marah kerana tidak dilayan, lelaki sengau itu pun turun dari bas. Seorang lelaki lain di belakang pemuda sengau tadi pun bertanya kepada pemandu bas itu. "kenapa awak diam tadi? kesian dia..." Pemandu itu pun menjawab: "Masham mana haya nak hawab.... haya hun hengau hugak.. hhanti hia hata haya hehek hia hulakk!!!........" (macam mana saya nak jawab.. saya pun sengau jugak.. nanti dia kata saya ejek dia pulak!!!)..."

Sex joke : Gabriel's horn

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and young SisterMagdalene O'Hara had prepared the bath water and towels just the way theold Mother Superior from Ireland had instructed. Sister MagdaleneO'Hara was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if shecould help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray. The nextmorning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bathhad gone."Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily. "I've been saved.""Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?" asked the old nun inher best brogue without a hint of skepticism disclosed."Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him,and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legswhere he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.""Did he now?" said the old nun evenly.Sister Magdalene continued, "And he said that if the Key to Heaven fitmy lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would beassured of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided hisKey to Heaven into my lock.""Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly."At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway tosalvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swellmy heart with ecstasy. And it did; it felt so good being saved.""That wicked old Devil!" said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel'sHorn, and I've been blowing it these past 40 years!"

Dwarf's sex joke

Two dwarfs had just won the lottery, so they go out and hire 2prostitutes and 2 hotel rooms. The first dwarf tries desparately allnight to get an erection. But all he can hear from the next room is,"1, 2, 3, unh!" and this goes on all night.The next morning, the second dwarf asks, "So how did >it go?"The first dwarf replies, "Shit, I couldn't get an erection. How was yournight?"The second dwarf turns around and replies, "Even worse, I couldn't evenget on the bed!"